Support

• 2 min read

I was wandering in the garden and noticed how many supporting structures featured in places in the garden. I found myself getting annoyed at the 'ugliness' of these structures in the place of the plants that were around them. As I pondered my annoyance, I realised that without these structures, many of these beautiful plants and flowers would not be able to bloom. I reflected that eventually, you would not notice the structure, as the plant would have covered it over.

I pondered about how true this was for life and living. There are times in life (obvious ones) when we needed lots of structure. We needed parents to fetch and carry and sometimes to literally hold us while we learned how to walk or ride a bike. Without this, we could not have achieved these milestones. But as we got older, we learned how to leave these behind, with varying degrees of success, and achieve on our own. For a time this became very important - to achieve entirely on our own.

But I wondered how much this need to achieve on our own, stops us in the here and now, from reaching for significant structures when we need them? Is it a lack of trust in others? Is it a bad experience from the past? One thing is for sure, we cannot manage in this life without support from time to time.

Self Talk

• 3 min read

The days are getting a little longer and lighter and shoots of summer appear, to give us hope. But May might also be a time when some of us look at the promises we might have made to ourselves in the New Year and berate ourselves once again for not managing very well! I heard a radio conversation recently in which the participants have all decided not to bother with New Year Resolutions. Personally I think there is some merit in this idea, as thoughts for change can and should occur at any time. But it did make me wonder why we walk away from the idea of making changes at all.

There are a number of common areas of ‘faulty thinking’ that have been identified as contributing to poor mental health. Some list ten, others fifteen, but they all have the same threads. The first of these is something called ‘All or Nothing’, Polarized or ‘Black and White’ thinking.

At the surface this idea seems obvious – you are either right or wrong, or will or won’t participate in a certain activity under any circumstance and so on.

For some things this is sensible: If peanuts cause you to break out in hives, it’s probably not an opportunity for grey-style thoughts! But have you never watched a movie and been shifted by understanding the circumstance which caused the particular choice? I remember watching ‘The Mission’ years ago and being profoundly moved by both sides of the argument and honestly not being able to choose. For some of us, this is scary. We like to have our world with clear borders, with a clear sense of what is and is not OK. This is not wrong itself, but can become pathological if it causes us to stop listening. Sadly, this seems to be awfully evident in our political landscape of late. Polarised thinking results when we stop listening to ‘other’, before settling into an entrenched held belief.

But mostly, we should listen to ourselves too. It has been my experience that those who are the most vigorous in defending a certain ideal or idea are often very hard on themselves. Their inner voice or self-talk is incredibly punitive. Which brings me back to the idea of resolutions. So what about when you break a promise to yourself? Does this mean abject failure? Does this mean because it’s ‘all or nothing’ that you can never try again? If you eat one spoon of ice-cream that you have failed an entire healthy regime?

Can we try for degrees of success – rather than pass/fail? Can we speak kindly to ourselves (and others) when it goes pear-shaped for a time? Because one thing I have learned in my humble position as counsellor, is that those of us who are kind – to themselves and others – have better mental health, are more resilient in life and seem to achieve more in the end. Whilst they have failures, they don’t use those failures to imply to themselves that they are a failure!

So, if you have made yourself some promises recently, and being human have wobbled, please don’t let harsh polarising self-talk completely de-rail you from trying again. If you yell at yourself for every failure – why would you try again? And please don’t let a wobble (or even a series of wobbles) lead you to thinking about yourself in terms of the one area that you might struggle with. Please remember the other wonderful ways in which you, as a flawed human, exist in this world, that have nothing to do with achievement or success.

“It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life. It’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power”.

Robert T. Kiyosaki

#promises #faultythinking #blackandwhite

Why Therapy?

I have had a number of friends and aquaintances ask me over the years, in a rather embarrassed fashion, whether I think they ‘need’ therapy. It leaves me rather bemused, because unless I am privy to the story underneath the story, I have no way of answering that question.

But I can answer it in general terms. Why would anyone come to therapy - ever? For some people it’s easy - there is some pressing issue that is causing distress or results in a struggle to cope with life in the day to day. Or they have had a traumatic event or events, which are impacting their normal functioning.

But therapy is not only for the obvious. Sometimes we experience moments in life when circumstances have left us completely disorientated. We lose a partner, or a job, or we find ourselves in a jobs we simply don’t love, our children have left home or you are simply feeling lost, a lack of some sort … the list is endless.

When you find yourself reaching for the wrong kind of help - addictive behaviours and habits that you know are not helping, but somehow in the moment offer temporary relief.

Othertimes, might find ourselves acting completely out of character, or reacting in a very strong way to a benign incident. If this keeps happening, it’s probably a sign that something is just off. Good friends can help (a lot!), but often they are processing their own things too, or perhaps you feel you have imposed too much on their listening ear, or it’s something you can’t get your head around and almost need the help to articulate what ‘it’ is.

Mostly, its helpful to have a trained listening professional who can help elucidate your story, bring some clarity and hopefully give you some useful tools so that you can move on in your life with ease again.

The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve, sometimes with clarity, sometimes with pain, but it remains yours and yours alone.. you decide how you live it day to day.